Today I was thinking about what I have learned in the last 34 yeas, and in particular since I left home about 16 years ago. Some of these items are a little PG-13, so you have been warned:

1. People are MUCH hairier than you ever expect when they are naked.
2. Don’t bother cleaning your apartment when you leave. You almost never get your deposit back.
3. Breasts are uneven and don’t point straight out.
4. Cops will pull you over if you have an ugly/old/dirty car, especially in an expensive neighborhood.
5. There is no such thing as a good tasting light beer, no matter what the ads say.
6. Everyone want to screw everyone else, figuratively and literally. If you ever work retail, it is like a soap opera.
7. Never, ever buy the cheapest or most expensive version of something, shoot for the middle.
8. At White Castle, you can eat the sliders, or the fries, NOT BOTH and not expect to get sick.
9. If you shop at Best Buy, you get better answers consulting a magic 8 ball than the help there.
10. Don’t leave a tip if you get crappy service just to be nice. If they suck, they should know it.
11. Assume everything has eggs in it.
12. Never wear a turtleneck or let your significant other wear one.
13. It’s a toss up, wearing a condom or no sex, which is worse?
14. The cliché of Mother in Laws is pretty much true.
15. Some people are too stupid to own a computer.
16. No, I will not fix your computer.
17. Even if you drive a 22 foot long, 7 foot wide, white car, people still can’t see you. (1977 Cadillac Elderado.)
18. It is almost impossible to get a decent hot dog or Italian beef outside of Chicagoland.
19. Racism is surprisingly common and just as ugly as you think it would be.
20. Never to bed angry.
21. Never buy a Ford.
22. Poor spelling skills have never hurt me professionally, thank goodness for spell checkers.
23. Just accept the fact you are nothing more than a large primate, and life makes a lot more sense.
24. Bad grammar makes you look like a fool.
25. Women want it just as bad as men.
26. Size does matter.
27. Telling the truth really is the best way to go.
28. The last words you hear before are bitten by a dog are “He never bites.” This has happened to me twice now.
29. The use of turn signals to change lanes is now a thing of legend and mystery.
30. Carnival food will make you sick, but is so tasty. Mmmm, Elephant ears….
31. Learn to be able to laugh at yourself.
32. “Let’s Just Cuddle” often ends up becoming something very far away from cuddling.
33. Life is too short for cheap hot dogs.
34. Botanical gardens are well worth the money visiting.
35. Video stores almost never have what you want in stock, even if it is an older film.
36. Always contest traffic tickets. You can often get a plea, pay a small fine, and not have it show up on your record.
37. Baby poop is really stinky, even your own babies’ poop.
38. You have more fun with less things.
39. Thrift stores are great, even if you are rich, poor, or middle class.
40. Boys love cars and trains at a surprisingly early age.
41. People assume if you are allergic to eggs, you are allergic to chocolate. I really don’t understand why.
42. Urine melts ice surprisingly well.
43. The seedier looking the Mexican restaurant, the better the food. There are exceptions to this rule and always look for 6 legged friends before ordering.
44. It pays to complain, especially to large companies if you are really not satisfied. They will usually send you coupons for free stuff to keep you happy.
45. Coke does taste better than Pepsi.
46. Doing donuts with a rear wheel drive car is really fun.
47. SUV drivers slow down the most for railroad tracks, lest they damage their delicate vehicles.
48. Starbucks is not very good at making hot coffee. It is almost always piss warm unless you ask for “I want to sue you this is too hot hot” when you order.
49. Being hit in the face sounds like the sound when water comes out of your ear after swimming. I always thought this was odd.

50. A big menu in a restaurant means that all the food will be mediocre.  (Ron)

51. Look at the clientele. A Mexican restaurant without Mexicans is not good. An Indian restaurant packed with Indians will be great. Stetsons and cowboy boots are good signs for BBQ. Look to where the locals eat.  (Ron)

52. Religious beliefs and morality are two entirely separate things.
53. More to come….I am trying to get this to 101, or some cool total like that.